I know I am speaking in emotional code
smoke signals to a culture not trained in interpretation
lame to the language of nuance and wind
there is a reason for it beyond stubborn disgust and conflict avoidance
he tends to plane the edge off every truth I speak
it’s been this way my life long
I cannot take another hedging of all their ideas as I attempt to merely stand
the gift of bipedal we all possess
they send me toppling as if tapped by their wiley fingertipped push to my shoulder just that little bit becomes a great loss
in the untangling of my lifetime of noticing
I have grown curious in stages
that is rather than conflicted though that’s still in the marrow
my origins make me unique and I find an evasiveness helpful right now
it is probably taken as affrontery an inadvertent slyness
he would return to the dynamics of the female in exchange as if this were even fair fare foolish folly
growth is something entirely different he calls it by another name
this is not that
dissecting a stop
analyzing a completion
closing in on my own inside so that gradual doses of the truth I seek
can become uncomplicated behaviors I might recognize like the gait of my child in a crowd always known
perhaps what I want isn’t so impossible for him to bear but I cannot afford it right now
his attempts are conscripting my meanings decisive interpretations are impossible to cover up
so I stand aside sending smoke signals at best
responses holding in the maddening pains until it is safe to go outside once again